“I see these frightening expanses of the universe that shut me in, and I find myself stuck in one corner of this vast emptiness, without knowing why I am placed here rather than elsewhere, or why from out of the whole eternity that has gone before me and the whole eternity that will follow, this one tiny period has been given me in which to live out my life. I see only infinities on every side which shut me in like an atom, like a shadow that lasts only an instant, with no possibility of return. All I know is that I must soon die, but my ignorance is darkest concerning this very death that I cannot avoid.”( Blaise Pascal, Pensées,1660)
Why now? Why was I born now, in this era? I always wanted to know the answer. Why do I feel so distant to this post-modern culture? Why I feel so different from other people? Why do I always think in a different manner than the rest of people? Why do I feel like I can let my spirit wonder and in the same time my body can move like a container, without life, doing the worldly and repetitive things?
This is my world. It’s full of questions I don’t have response. I find myself feeling like a stranger in this world of consumerism and selfishness. I don’t feel good. I feel trapped like a bird in cage and I want to break free. But where should I go?
It’s a strange world I cannot understand. I cannot understand how it works. Always the selfish person wins; always the stupid person is the best. Am I the only one who feels this way? I often ask myself. Probably not. Probably I’m not the only one who feels like this place is not the home she or he is looking for. I don’t want a perfect world but I want one that treats people like they deserve.
These days I really hate to go out. I’m trapped in the world of books. Sadly, it’s a world of fantasy and lies. But it’s alright, because I know the truth. The real one is different. People like to lie and deceive, but they do it with a smile on their face. I don’t know what they’re thinking. And when I realize it, it’s too late. I’m the one left behind with a broken heart, because I believed in them.
When I walk on the streets I see only sad people. They are so sad that they want to find company in alcohol and women/men to feel that warmth they are looking for. Why are they doing that? Tomorrow, when the spell is broken, they are going back to their invisible cage, called life. Then, they will do the same thing the next day. Why don’t they try to break free? I see it but I don’t understand it. Maybe, because I’m not mature enough, because I’m still trapped in my idyllic world of words and dreams.
I don’t feel good here. This is not my place. I feel these sentences deep inside me. I’ve tried to mingle, but it’s getting tiring. It’s like trying to put a comedy show so you can entertain others. This is what I do. But in my mind and soul, there is another feeling. I don’t like it here. It’s strange and cold. I don’t want to become a container, without a soul, without her own thinking.
When I stop putting the mask of happiness and I show my real me, people are puzzled. Why do you think this way? they ask me. Why don’t you do like others do? Why don’t you follow the natural order of life? The answer is: I cannot do it. Something is stopping me. Like a sixth sense. I always had it. This sensation that you’re special, do not go on the same path your parents, grandparents, friends took it and are taking it. Because you’re different. Since I was a child, I felt different from my classmates, from my parents, like I’m not from here. And, I left that place, called home, for another one hoping to find the answers. The new one is giving me the same vibration. It’s not your home, it’s not what are you looking for.
But, again, what I’m looking for? I don’t know. The only thing is that I feel different from the rest.
I don’t hate this world. I never did. It gave me wonderful memories, wonderful friends, wonderful family. But I cannot feel it. It’s a strange place to me. I don’t feel it deep inside me. Maybe I should stop looking and just build my own world, where I can live.
This place, called Earth is a strange place.
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